Why this? Why now?
Psalms 102
"Why this? Why now?" Yes, a quote from a movie about the life of Joseph, but spoken in the movie by someone other than Joseph, Potiphar, captain of Pharaoh's hosts. And at which point? When Potiphar's wife accuses Joseph of rape and Potiphar sends Joseph to prison. We would think that line should be Joseph's line and at several times through his life. His brothers selling him as a slave, at this point when he gets sent to prison, when Pharaoh's butler forgets his promise. Each was a devastating time for Joseph. But maybe also when he is raised up second only to Pharaoh himself.
Being my meditation and realizing that anyone reading is a secondary recipient of what God is speaking to me about through His Word I applied these very thoughts to my life recently. People wanting to know me better have asked about my Rip Van Winkle reference when I speak of about myself now.
Psalm 102 begins:
A prayer of the afflicted, when he shall be in distress, and pour forth his meditation before the Lord. O Lord, hear my prayer, and let my cry come unto thee.
Psalms 102:1 GNV
And it's like WHAT? WHY THIS? WHY NOW? The last ten Psalms, even more have been focusing on seeing our great God for who He is. My heart, my mind were just delving in to once again seeing God in all His glory, and now a prayer of the afflicted? Haven't there already been enough of those? I was expecting again to have my seeing the Lord anew reinforced with yet another great Psalm telling of Him and all He is, from yet another perspective if that is possible.
But in what new friends have been asking me, especially as a widower, to “tell me about your life”. What was this seven and a half years of disability all about? I thought on that I had to tell of other times that were similar leading up to that period in my life. Because each was a "Why this? Why now?" moment.
In late autumn of 1986 I had a health collapse. I had graduated technical college and was now considered a senior in Bible college working through a Pastoral studies major. I had only twenty nine credit hours to finish after that semester and then to go on to what I thought God was preparing me to do with my life. This health collapse at this time took me very near death, definitely ended Bible college for me. Very bewildered it was a "Why this Why now?" time. I was out of work more than three months after that.
Believing I was following God's direction we, my wife, four children and I moved hundreds of miles to the south for what we thought was next. After almost a year I had to make a decision which resulted in abandoning that goal for moving so far which left me wondering "Why this? What now?"
In the summer of 1992 I had two accidents which began my struggle with hemiplegic migraines. By April 1993 we gad grown very frustrated with the doctors because all their myriad of tests they had no clue what was happening in my body. And so April 1993 while I was having one of my attacks my wife took me to the emergency room. They ordered x-rays once again, chest x-rays because that was where most of my pain and body was affected. They found nothing that they understood was the cause of my pain, but did find a mass deep inside my chest on the opposite side of my body and like all good little ADHD people do completely forgot about my pain and my difficulty using my one side and operated doing exploratory surgery on the opposite side. For that surgery they had to collapse the lung to get to the lymph nodes. My body was so weak from the migraine symptoms after that surgery I was unable to go back to work for more than eight months. It was another "Why this? Why now?" moment. Each time these health issues caused me to loose work also meant complete loss of income. And each time we were provided for by many unexpected means.
Moving forward more than twenty years I finished about twenty years of work as an electronics technician and electrical designer. And then I had eighteen years as software quality assurance, customer support, then programmer, and lastly being advanced to a new position the company didn't know they needed until the additional work I was doing above and beyond programming told them it was needed. Just having been promoted at work my Hemiplegic Migraines suddenly became chronic, that is affecting my ability to function more than fifteen days a month. In my case it was nearly everyday of each month. This took me out of work, almost needless to say. It was almost a given "Why this? Why now?" point in time. But by then those moments seemed to be becoming a given part of my life. You really don't like it, you just accept another massive change in your life, this time not only taking you away from work, but again basically from all society. This time I didn't go back to work for eight and a half years.
But then another "Why this? Why now?" moment came, yet another “Richard, how do you come up with such things no one can explain let alone believe they are actually happening to anyone” moment, but drastic turn or twist in my life.
Late spring 2021 my wife was on vacation with two of our girls and their children. With my ongoing HM I was home trying to recuperate. My wife had a stroke, then a second stroke at that time which in a few days took her life. By then I was there to sit with her the last few days of her life. And yes I was still having my HM attacks in the hospital and then with her in hospice care. Less than a hour before my wife breathed her last my last hemiplegic migraine ended. So both my wife of almost forty four years passing and almost twenty nine years of hemiplegic migraines ending happened right then and there. So possibly even in a bery small way I may have felt like Joseph being pulled from prison, given a position second only to Pharaoh himself and a wife all at that time. Well, all except for being given the new wife. All I can still ask almost three years later "Why this? Why now?" Why has God taken my wife? Why has God given back my health that has been gone for almost forty years? And why couldn't my wife live to see me healthy again. For three fourths of our marriage she stood by me. She deserves seeing me healthy, more than I deserve to be healthy. Seeing that this can only be God's doing, I can only trust that God has His purpose for my future.
So as I continue through Psalm 102 my thoughts, as you may expect, are many and varied. After all these Psalms of extolling God for all He is (Psalms 89 - 101) there will be a Psalms 102. You learn to know God, trust God in all those good times, easy times, you will then also see God, trust God when your health is gone, your ability to work is gone, when your spouse is gone. Think of what Solomon said,
Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come not, nor the years approach, wherein thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them:
Ecclesiastes 12:1 GNV
Oh the affliction spoken of here in Psalms 102. Things like:
For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burnt like an hearth. Mine heart is smitten and withereth like grass, because I forgot to eat my bread.
Psalms 102:3-4 GNV
Yeah, that happens. Even in good health I might be so focused on my work I forget about time, even eating and drinking. But how much more when your life is consumed by just being sick and no doctor for decades can tell you what is wrong with you. When in seven and a half years of being home bound you have less visitors than can be counted on two hands outside of family. You feel like when you go to a doctor or neurologist they are already shaking their head when they see your name as their patient. In those times your heart longs to say:
Thou wilt arise and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to have mercy thereon, for the appointed time is come.
When the Lord shall build up Zion, and shall appear in his glory, And shall turn unto the prayer of the desolate, and not despise their prayer.
Psalms 102:13, 16-17 GNV
Why this? Why now? God has better things ahead.