Just Don't Say It

Romans 8:28

To all things there is an appointed time, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

...a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7 GNV

Grief is such a hard thing. For some reason I am compelled to speak up about keeping silent. After my wife's death I eventually attended three separate thirteen week sessions of a grief program called Griefshare. At first I didn't cry at my wife's passing. It took time for me. Actually a few months. As I knew what was needed, what my wife would have wanted I knew it was necessary for our six adult children to come to their own agreement and make the decision on removing life support. While we all had talked to her by video chat on Mother's Day that year her condition had a significant negative change just a couple days later. All six of my children came to the hospital. My oldest daughter was already there from overseas, others came from Western states along with those already in South Carolina to be with her when she first went in the hospital. For some of those traveling the day they had to make a decision it was very hard as it was the first day they had seen her in person in the hospital. That's enough. I can't say more at this time about that time. It is still very hard for me as it was and is for them.

The day I began to write this was my wife's mothers birthday. And while I was thinking on that my sister whose husband passed away two years ago had also mentioned that day would have been her 40th Wedding Anniversary. Even before she mentioned that I had been prompted to begin writing these thoughts. I really don't know who this is for, why this is so strong to me, but as I was pondering on Romans 8:28 in relation to God's purpose growing us to become conformed to the image of His Son I was once again overwhelmed by how well meaning people who do not know how to comfort those grieving will quote verses like this hoping to be a comfort, and for many, IT DOESN'T.

Also we know that all things work together for good unto them that love God, to them that are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 KJV

It is a good verse, a very necessary verse for understanding God's end result for the life of the believer, but for most who are grieving it is a time to be silent. Having been through most of the thirty-nine weeks of my taking part in Griefshare there were few if any others in that time who held up well through the loss of a spouse, a child, a grandparent, other very close relative or friend.

My niece and her husband lost their oldest son to a very rare disease and her husband had this to say about another well meaning phrase, "If there's anything I can do...". Generally if you are not close enough to them to know what you can do, then really, don't bother saying it. Either do what you can or be quiet. When I came home from the time after my wife died (four hours away from our house) I found that someone had mowed my lawn. I had been gone three weeks and they didn't say, "If there's anything I can do". They just went ahead and did it.

Job's friends were true friends, at least for seven days as they sat silently with him. They should have remained so as Job carried on before God. They would have saved themselves a bunch of trouble and saved Job from a lot of anguish from well meaning, but unknowing words. Job hadsuffered immense loss, ten children and huge loss of every part of his day today life. Included in his grief was his family and complete large business lost in one day, unimaginable loss.

Death is such a hard thing to those who are close, dear. I met a woman whose husband's best friend and business partner died suddenly. This friend, this man that died was the the business end and saleman for their business. Her husband was the manufacturing and installing side. Without sales and business her husband's business was all but gone. Her loss, their loss was so great, so hard to observe from the perspective of my own loss. They were suffering and appeared headed for even greater suffering. Then I recalled that Job's wife even challenged him to curse God and die. Grief can be utterly brutal. Yes, God is with those grieving. Yes, it may not be evident, or easily seen. Yes, God does work all things together for good. NO, it might not be the right time to speak, or say something like that. Be like Job's friends, but only as they were that first week

Sitting quietly with someone who is grieving is far from the only thing you can do. If you knowingly can meet a need, do it. Be conscientiously aware that in someone's life whoever has passed may have "always done" what you may be about to do. And that in itself could be an adverse action. Shortly after my father died and we had his celebration of life I drove his truck into town and stopped to get gas. Looking much like my father there was a close neighbor who pulled into the same gas station and saw me driving his truck. That gave even them a very unsettling feeling. So just be aware.

Some might say it is the "least they can do", but in reality what is the most you can do, pray for them and their families. When we received news that my wife's mother had died in the hospital we pulled over along with the carload of family behind us who were on our way to the hospital. Our prayer wasn't on what we had hoped for, more years with her mother, but rather for God's presence with every family member and close friends who were, or shortly would be grieving. It was a prayer for God's presence to be a presence felt, knowing for certain God was with them.

God will help the grieving person know His truths in His time, truths that it was God's best, but probably not through you. Remember, there's a time to speak, and a time to refrain from speaking. Let God work those precious truths to those grieving. For the heartbreak felt by the grieving person it is mostly a time for us to refrain from speaking.